Writing this entry took me longer than necessary. I have been writing this since 8pm last night, but somehow, despite the overwhelming emotions that I was feeling and my desire to tell my story, the words were not flowing easily. I still ended up ruminating (and stewing), and I was up all night writing on and off. I tried to sleep several times and postpone posting this entry but sleep is my ever elusive lover. It wasn’t until noon today that I have managed to sleep, when a big chunk of this entry was already written. Three hours later, I got up to write some more. Once I hit “publish”, I will close this laptop and leave my bedroom for the first time today. It is now almost 5pm, EST. J will take me out and give me hugs as promised, and I will try to get over yesterday’s episode like I have done other previous episodes. These are the life cards that I have been dealt with, and I’ll be damned if I end up losing this game. As they say, fall down seven times, rise up eight. I’m a sore loser so I guess I’ll just keep on getting up.
Whatever the activity is, I think it is important to enjoy your own company. It is not a bad idea to be left to your own devices once in a while. Sometimes, we get inundated with too much information that we need some time to process our thoughts and listen to our own needs. It took me some time to realize this, and even longer to fully enjoy it. It’s not an easy task to lose the self-consciousness, the anxiety, or the fear of judgment. Trust me, I am still working on that every single day. But we are given this lifetime to work on ourselves. It is when we are stagnant and unchanging that we become boring. And truthfully, life is too short to be boring.