As I have previously mentioned, I will slowly update this blog with my current situation as well as the past experiences that have led me to this predicament. First off, let’s start with my current state: I am not well. Sometimes I even question myself if I even care enough to get better. Sometimes I beat myself up for being so pessimistic and fatalistic, and I put in the extra effort towards my recovery to offset my bad days. And sometimes, I couldn’t be bothered.
Currently, I am going through another funk. And it has been going on for almost two months now. Every day I struggle to get up and find motivation to do anything. Sometimes I win, but most of the time I lose. And I would berate myself every time I fail. From time to time I would catch myself wishing that I would just disappear. Though I have not gone as far as to thinking about how to enact that yet. I have been pretty much confined at home for the most part, save for the few times that I have gone out to see my therapist (or attend events that have already been paid for pre-funk period). It now takes me a great amount of effort to force myself to do the things that I used to love. Most of the time, I have zero desire for anything. I find myself in this endless cycle of despair and self-loathing, and I am struggling to get myself out of this. I don’t even know what I want anymore. I just want the pain to end. Even writing this right now and listening to my internal voice is painful. You want to know how despair feels like? Imagine a constant pressure in your chest, like a weight that gets heavier and heavier every time you breathe. You feel constricted, like you are drowning. And the worst part? It’s all inside. No one can even see how much you’re suffering. You try to verbalize what you feel and yet no one understands. Perhaps it’s because you speak your truth with a smile to mask the severity of your pain. Perhaps it’s because you lose your eloquence, trying to organize your chaos into words. Or perhaps because others just genuinely don’t understand. Regardless of the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that you feel utterly alone.
So what do I intend to accomplish by writing this post? To be honest, I really don’t know. I am not trying to gain any sympathy from anyone. It is not my intention to host a pity party. But in order for me to start working on my recovery, I need to accept my current reality and stop denying the existence of my vulnerabilities. So here I go:
- I need to come to terms with the fact that I have MDD and anxiety
- For now, I need the help of both my therapist and medications to get better
- There is a chance that I may need to take medications long-term (though of course I am still hoping that it won’t have to be the case)
- I have a serious case of insomnia and it will take a while for me to pay back my sleep debt
- My eye bags have never been bigger (or darker)
- Due to the constant stress and sleep deprivation, my immune system is compromised and my appetite has lessened
- I have frequent dizzy spells
- I struggle finding joy in anything
- Most of the time, I give zero f*cks
- My default feeling is empty
- I am an emotional wreck
Writing all of those points above made me realize that this recovery may not be an easy one after all. I do have to deal with a lot of sh*t, and most of them would require some major re-wiring of thoughts and behaviours. Am I scared? Yes… because I am scared of failing. But apparently, failing is also a part of the process. I guess I need to come to terms with that too. Do I want to get better? Of course. Will I be able to emerge from this triumphantly? We’ll have to find out. This blog will chronicle that journey. Am I hopeful? To be honest, I still feel meh about that. But I guess I owe it to those who love me to try.