I received the digital copies a couple of days after the shoot, and the stainless steel print a few weeks later. I am so proud of how it all turned out. They offered to digitally edit the colour of the sheet if I wanted and if it was any other occasion, I would have opted to have it changed to purple as it is my favourite colour. However, I felt like the red resonated with me more at that time: it represented the strength I gained as I powered through my past issues, the power that I felt as I slowly triumphed over my obstacles, the love that surrounded and enveloped me, and the vulnerability that I still felt despite everything. The picture above encapsulated all that, so that’s the shot that got printed out. The rest of the digital copies, I will keep for myself to remember this special experience by.
Every year, for the three weeks between our birthdays, this guy has the nerve to call me a cougar. Well you can’t call me that now, can you?! I always tell him, our birthdays are bound by the same Billboard #1 song: Livin’ on a Prayer by Bon Jovi. So really, I can’t be considered a cougar since we still have the same song. Right?
Writing this entry took me longer than necessary. I have been writing this since 8pm last night, but somehow, despite the overwhelming emotions that I was feeling and my desire to tell my story, the words were not flowing easily. I still ended up ruminating (and stewing), and I was up all night writing on and off. I tried to sleep several times and postpone posting this entry but sleep is my ever elusive lover. It wasn’t until noon today that I have managed to sleep, when a big chunk of this entry was already written. Three hours later, I got up to write some more. Once I hit “publish”, I will close this laptop and leave my bedroom for the first time today. It is now almost 5pm, EST. J will take me out and give me hugs as promised, and I will try to get over yesterday’s episode like I have done other previous episodes. These are the life cards that I have been dealt with, and I’ll be damned if I end up losing this game. As they say, fall down seven times, rise up eight. I’m a sore loser so I guess I’ll just keep on getting up.
Being a sucker for a good love story, I prepared myself for two hours of heart-tugging feels. Plot-wise, if caring for your comatose girlfriend for years is not romantic and sad enough, how about realizing that she has no memories of you after she wakes up? It was like watching The Vow and The Notebook, only more innocent and painful.
As I turn a year older, I wish for good health for me (so I can take on new experiences without getting sick or dropping dead any time soon) and my loved ones. I pray for strength and resilience, as I try to navigate through a lot of the unknowns that come with making drastic life choices. Most importantly, I wish for patience: from myself and from others as I continue my journey of therapy and healing.
After watching the movie, I have added Phantom to my must-see list of musicals live before I die. As luck would have it, the company has returned to Toronto just before Valentine’s Day and J has agreed to be my date.
I am very conscious of how much we spend on dates, as I feel bad that I am not able to contribute like before. I must admit, it was (and still is) a bit of a challenge since I was never really used to having a budget.
You want to know how despair feels like? Imagine a constant pressure in your chest, like a weight that gets heavier and heavier every time you breathe. You feel constricted, like you are drowning. And the worst part? It’s all inside. No one can even see how much you’re suffering. You try to verbalize what you feel and yet no one understands. Perhaps it’s because you speak your truth with a smile to mask the severity of your pain. Perhaps it’s because you lose your eloquence, trying to organize your chaos into words. Or perhaps because others just genuinely don’t understand. Regardless of the reason, it doesn’t change the fact that you feel utterly alone.
I couldn’t help but smile wryly as I remembered the innocent feelings that I had, I was only 11 years old at the time after all.
I am here. We got this.